The Male Prurient Desire - Means To an End?

I would love to share some thoughts on a subject I hope some of you might find fascinating. I have many female friends, I hope this can give you valuable insight into what goes on in the mind of a man. The male prurient desire - a means to an end? Why men visualise sexual desire and embrace anger, the reasons they act out on it in stark contrast to females is always baffling to most of us. Some are dismissive to the notion that men have a stronger sexual desire than females. But look back at history, a small reflection on the birth of Pornography, the slant of Prostitution towards gratification for one sex (male) must indicate that yes, men must approach it from a different angle. Nymphomania might be the female comparison and a most widely misunderstood pattern of behaviour. In men, it's known as Satyriasis.

For men satyriasis is directed by the ego, drawn from insecurity; not anything physical. You might be surprised to learn it can encompass, or hold within many negative patterns. It sustains the childlike tendency to seek attention and sources a feeling of greatness from conquest. Men who largely seek constant sexual encounters and or embrace anger/violence, are driven by subconscious soft-wired mind and body neuro patterns. Patterns are formed and when someone gains pleasure it can become a self-perpetuated instinct. Repeated constantly for the original source reward. We seek rewards or turn to Porn and violence or anger for many various reasons, like an addiction we think we find pleasure/satisfaction from it. We might find it fills a void, we find it dulls the pain or dilutes a feeling of loneliness. It gives us a sense of dominance over weakness. We think or assume we get reward from these emotions, gained from verbal and non-verbal self-talk. Talk can be sourced from the five senses...

Tactile (Touch) Visual (Sight) Hearing (Auditory) ) Smell (Olfactory) Taste (Gustatory).

Our subconscious interpretation of ourselves is drawn from years of formed patterns. Some of these are powerfully created during childhood and growing up. We are shaped and formed as adults, by the events and behaviours we are moulded into. For some people, both male and female - the fear of intimacy creates a strong inclination to seek relationships and pornography online. We are disengaged by the real need to connect, but we gain some sense of enjoyment from thinking or assuming we are happy. I myself am in No position to dictate or guide anyone else on anything, so I will relate my own story instead as a reflection on my growth and knowledge gained.

My childhood was a time of upheaval and many constant changes and challenges. Everyone has a passage in life that has obstacles and barriers. The path is always bound to be blocked at any given moment. How we move around that obstacle and proceed forward defines us, how we stumble or delay, or get stuck by that blockage is what keeps us in a place I was formally comfortable in. A sanctuary I would refuse to leave; mostly out of ignorance or fear.

My Mother taught me as a boy to respect others. I was encouraged to not be racist or judgemental of others. That failed to stop my mind and heart from applying it. Not in the racial sense but the constant judging of all based on actions, appearance, pretty much all attributes. I have been accepting of most choices people make, from homosexuality to drug use. My childhood and teenage experiences allowed me to paint a portrait I kept hanging on a wall for years to follow. Luckily not many people ever visited that gallery to view it's ugly disfigurement.

That portrait has been recently dismantled.

I will relate my reliance on pornography and anger during my lost years. This was indicative of the male I was ... incapable of sustaining a decent relationship with myself and others, not from porn, but from the lack of emotional intelligence to seek and understand how to gain it. How to sustain it is simply impossible if you harbour such profound weakness. I was your typical male, driven by the caveman or primitive sexual desire of wanting sex with those allusive female cave-women. Please excuse my awful generalization, I try to paint with words sometimes. Through isolation and being child-like in maturity, I always thought I needed a visual stimuli for my sexual stimulation, I must add, being single only enhanced this need in my justification. I was alone for a long time. You begin to think only one pattern leads to a quick fix. I will discuss this as an addiction. I will include a video by Teal Swan on why I refer to this in retrospection as a drug.

Things changed. With growth comes insight. I formed a powerful relationship a while ago that changed the dynamics within myself, in the midst of other rapid changes. I wanted to truly look deep within myself, and discover the reasons for failure in past relationships. How could I become a better person? More importantly become a better man?

I think a true relationship goes deeper than a physical act. The part in the Teal video where she describes two pieces of meat rubbing together made me chuckle. In part because it is true. You can engage in sex as something solitary or learn to adopt a more unifying approach. Lack of arousal in men and females is normal. The stereotypical porn visualisation of a man with constant libido, and the basis of what most of it projects in terms of everything, leaves a bitter after-taste in minds that do not even know what is considered to be normal and natural. The ideas and patterns some men form in large part to a lack of real-life wisdom, is inflicted detrimentally onto many females. You will no doubt know of the man who thinks he wants to be a movie star in the bedroom. Most of you are not willing to embrace being the lead actor (formally Actress in older times) in that movie are you? Some roles you might enjoy, but little plot twists and the final scene can rob you of your cinematic experience. Most porn is devoid of all emotions/feeling/romance and driven purely as physical visualisation stimuli.

I believe most men need to get in touch more with the desire for wholeness and inner balance. Not to focus on the macho ideals and be so drawn into the lures of ego and physical image. To let go of the primitive instincts reinforced for years by the majority of other males. Some men believe to act in accordance with one set belief and behaviour, is how to be a real man desirable and attractive to most women. This can be far from reality. The song Boy's Don't Cry by The Cure comes to mind, listen to that song. The meaning is obvious, but the way in which we practice the act of being a male is not always beneficial. It can be a poor projection to others...

I think of much conflict and death, caused in large part by ego, vanity, anger leading to violence through lack of understanding oneself. We like to blame someone for this, and point the finger, some men even have the gall to blame females, that they are too difficult or complex to understand. Some men who inflict violence on females, rather than recognise their own fault, they instead blame the victim. She asked for it. She wanted it. She deserved it, She had it coming. They also do this in justifying violence to other men. He asked for it. He needed a good shaking up. He was an idiot that deserved it. I punched him and ended up in court, but man that sucker was lucky I did not kill him. I will get my friends to pay him some respect. Nobody will undermine my manhood, no man can allow me to feel weak. No woman will make me feel weak. I would rather smash her apart then feel worthless. I would rather kill than feel inferior. I hate the stench of defeat. I will always strive for conquest. Dominance. Strength. Power. I relate this point not from my history, I have never found violence at all desirable or beneficial, the alluring aspect I fail to understand. I thought sex was to be sought and chased at one stage, as most of the worlds inhabitants believe. Not violence or violent sex that makes one person feel violated or uncomfortable, stealing from them whilst giving gratification to the other.

In return, the cycle turns back. The motor keeps grinding, stalling and failing. The engine runs on fuel from a poor source. The car body analogy again, it's nice to look at perhaps, but inside the mechanics, or guts of it - the mind of the car, is a wreck. The car might be fun for a ride now and then, but any long term travel is not desired by all whom have sat in the interior. The exterior was appealing, the force was inviting, the strength of it perhaps was admirable. We probably made a good investment in it, hoping that the motor was a good long-term prospect. That motor will carry my future and get me to the path I desire, and carry my children; dreams and hopes along with it. Anything in life that lacks character, loses respect. The car begins to choke with bad exhaust fumes, the motor becomes unreliable it breaks down. The car needs too much maintenance and service.

The damn thing was a Porsche at the start, now it sadly resembles a rusty junk yard piece of scrap metal. It serves no useful purpose. It once drove me, now it drives me away. It hummed, but it crashed. It broke apart. I am attempting to reflect this as the symptoms of all relationships - the emotional engine, the fuel that binds it, the motor that can stall or deteriorate with age and use. The car that was fun but now needs replacing. The elements that attracted us to enjoy it and encouraged us to travel a journey with it, are now fast vanishing and being replaced by faults and issues.

In sexual terms, performance anxiety and lack of arousal can come from inevitable failures in the bedroom, from both female and male aspects. The need is to accept life is not a Hollywood script, and not everything goes as planned. Some take the seriousness of expectation to heart, one partner might want sex, the other may not feel like it. One might want certain results, one may not be receptive to gratitude in acquiring this result. One may think the other has lost interest. One may think the other has too much interest. One may not like the intricacy of the partners fantasy or methods. One may feel neglected sexually, as if they do not receive the fair share of the pie. They want to consume an amount worthy, but the other has already filled the digestive system with the gastronomical delights. One may want dessert or an entré. The dish may not taste as great for one as it did for the other. The same dish may be constantly cooked and served. The taste becomes bland and monotony abounds. Monotony can lead to disinterest. Sometimes the taste of monotony leads to the once loved flavour; becoming eventually unpalatable. 

This leads to relationship tension, breakdown, misunderstanding, conflict - turmoil of emotions. You fill the pot with every single bad ingredient you can possibly think of, allow it to stew for a long period of time... you end up the food sticks to the bottom, the water has drained, the food it starts to burn. The smoke becomes fire. The house burns down in terms of unfolding events. You lose something you cherish, something you claimed ownership over - you feel you have been robbed. A part of your delicacy has been taken away by someone else. They ate it, spat it out, or even vomited it over you, in front of everyone you know. This is called resentment. It comes from encouraging the desire we own everything in life. We own the right to how others act and react to us. We should be loved. We hate it when we are not. We own feelings and the right to be happy. We get frustrated our ownership is at risk of being taken away. We have invested in it. We spent time and money on buying all the things that encompass the whole property. We lose the property and we stake a claim on emotional insurance. We want to gain the value back. 

We feel pain. We feel sadness. We start to manifest negative emotions that rival the fury of nature. It has beauty and we love nature, we loved what we owned. The potential to suddenly create total destruction from an event we think is not reasonable, or an act that we did not deserve. Why did this happen to me? I do my best, I try my hardest, but life or a God I conceptualise - why reward me with pain?

These are negative patterns we love to foster and keep, I will use the analogy as children. We think we own them, and want to keep them. They are taken away and we are mad as hell. We get angry someone can abuse our children, or our patterns, and inflict damage on them. Patterns are strange things, we love to hold onto them, we constantly do. We love them and want the very best for them. Sometimes these children want to leave home, if you think about it, at the end of the day, we are never truly entitled to ownership. Anger, pain hurt misery are great examples of things we should never own for any length of time. Let alone keep as an investment. Hoping it pays a bonus one-day... because it will not pay anything of value if you always retain it. It robs you, it steals from you. It destroys you. You may try to nurture it and raise it in a good way but it rebels against you. Children are to be gifted and raised for the right purpose, if you feel ownership of the right that this child must grow up and act accordingly to what You want, and does not act in full accordance to this agreement written in blood, you feel cheated. 

Anything we claim we own, and we lose or we think is stolen, we resent it. We hold onto the idea our resentment is justified. It was the thief that took it, they should pay the ultimate justice. That thief can be another person, or a memory, or an event. It can be an extended emotion. It can decay us inside like coca-cola reacts with teeth. We pay for it with health as well as mind. Coca-Cola is a huge brand but it has power. Some people know the bad effects of something, others love to condone anything out of the basis of fear ...to stand against something is harder than to simply acknowledge it, and we wander like lemmings off the edge of the cliff called life. Blindly following the same mistakes of the person ahead of us. We had a chance to stop, but we felt the change in direction would be more risky or challenging than staying on the path.

Dr. Wayne W. Dyer discusses an important principle that There are NO JUSTIFIED RESENTMENTS in life. Full stop. Application to every resentment you can imagine. No exceptions. This also applies to drinking coca-cola once upon a time ;-P

Patterns above can be re-programmed, at any age. The science known as Neuroplasticity has proven beyond doubt the mind and behaviours can be altered. Your life can be changed from set patterns to new possibilities. You might not agree, and say you are trapped within the confines of circumstance, lifestyle, career, relationship, family or heritage... or the other billion reasons known as fears. 

Fear is something that prevents most of us from considering life can be different. Fear might tell you and confirm in your mind that I am preaching utter bull$hit, and you are happy as a pig in $hit with your current sex life and pornography use. or you are perfectly entitled to smash heads in every drunken drug fuelled weekend. You are justified to feel whatever you feel, you use it in the manner you currently live... whether it's right or wrong, who am I to cast my opinion at a stranger? Porn and sex might be used in a healthy way somehow for your personal circumstance. All I can reflect is what I have learned applies to me. I would like to offer a perspective to others that many might not usually hear. Violence is unacceptable in all forms.... but many disagree and the world whispers for peace and solidarity amongst a select minority. Love always has more energy over hate. You might come to realise that this is true in a new time or change. 

You learn in life, that to dismiss the opinions of others, when you feel it contradicts your own experiences or values... becomes a safety valve. You might want to force some pressure through mine to show how you feel disapproval. I do not really care. I embrace the opinions of all others, I make my choices through the teachers and lessons I wish to learn from. I feel no need to restrict the attitudes or enforce behaviours onto others. I do not feel the desire for people to share the same values and ideals that I now embrace. I do not expect to change or expect any reward from anything I do, if I receive a gift of hatred, I accept it...but I fail to keep it. I embrace negative challenges these days, life is not a pure flow of constant happiness. darkness is always willing to drown us, however we can choose to drown or swim in life. 

I was struggling to stay afloat for too many years, tossed around the intense swirling waters of my own emotions. I created a whirlpool of my own ocean, almost calm for brief moments, but thrown against storms constantly. This sea was polluted by toxic thoughts of which most people suffer, worrying anxiety, doubts fear and a lack of motivation. Lack of self-esteem and confidence. The lack of strength in mind and body to feel worthy that I could accomplish anything great, or that mattered. A feeling that to transverse life is to try and sail as I expected the course would map out. The journey was set upon a destination I did not want to arrive at. I for a very long time accepted that no matter how hard you can dream, dreams are illusions. Dreams are visions for others to attain. Success and happiness are prevented by circumstance and history. The things that happened yesterday will either prevent the sun shining tomorrow, or cast a shadow forever on any light that manages to filter through. History repeats. Life is sort of a box to be viewed from within, held in the inner realm by the confines. To feel safe in a sense by the comfort of knowing this box felt like the only option. Unable to view anything because of obscurity. Unable to see because my eyes and vision had been clouded by personal glasses I built and created for myself. 

The vision was blurred, the beautiful in life was out of focus. I could sometimes see it but not truly sense it. I could not feel it. I did not believe in it. I did not believe in the one person that is the critical leader you must turn to - yourself. You must turn toward yourself in order to see the reflection. Then when you start to open your eyes, and delve inward in a more positive manner, the mirror becomes reflected to others in the same way. If you keep that mirror dirty, perhaps through being unaware it can be cleansed, life remains stagnant. Walk through the mud to reach the higher ground, or just stay stuck in it.... this was my life. I was covered and assumed I was trapped.

I can tell you... that is not the limitations of which this universe operates on. Try to think outside the square.

Here is a painting I did when I was 15 during High School, I feel it embraces the feeling of the subject matter visually:

lastly after this epic rant I will finally relent with -

If I have a goal of this essay that started out as a thought process, I would like to entertain the possibility it stirred some thoughts within you...the reader. Did it strike a chord at times, or strike a match? If it burns, it can replenish. If it humbles, it gives light. If it resonates, I applaud you. lastly, if you read it all the way to this conclusion #Gratitude. and Namaste. 
Love, light and laughter. #Heart smiles. 

Here is the Teal Swan video and as you know, I love my music with passion - a Joy Division song most applicable to this blog in title and substance.

Comfortably Numb - The Desire to Escape a Linear Life

We face challenges, nobody has immunity from this. I love how Greg Plitt said we must crawl or walk through the mud, in order to reach the higher ground in life. Some of us stay stuck in the mud, we maintain a futile insistence largely driven by fear, that the endeavour to escape is either too hard, or others have failed. The failure of others to overcome strengthens our belief that the mud is best to remain covered in, at least for the time being. Perhaps oneday we might consider climbing out. But for now, we embrace the comfort it gives us, the zone of which familiarity keeps us idle.

When I was 14 things happened to change my life, To me it was a downward spiral into the mud. I learned to cover myself in it. Things happened much more powerful and intense in effect than the event I speak of below at age 16. Nonetheless I learned to saviour the taste for many years like some forbidden fruit. I wanted to discard the fruit and my desire to taste it, but I kept hold of the memory for my innermost protection - the comfort zone again. Like a crutches analogy, I used the broken bones or injury but kept using the crutches for years after the pain and injury had healed. I was wounded. The original injury never fully healed, I still suffered new events, caused in large part by the infinite ache of the initial wound.

Reflection now is most peaceful. I can look back on this part of my life as the best Teacher I ever had. Perhaps this teacher was in essence like the book I am currently reading by Dr. Gillian Ross titled Psyche's Yearning; Gillian describes PSYCHE AND EROS.

The story is phenomenal I urge you to look it up, if you are unaware of it.

A part of me was EROS, I do not deny my feminine love and spirit within me. Yes I am a male but the path some men choose to follow is to remain steadfast in their male traits. If I want to think about hostility and the cave-man desire to beat my chest, to pronounce I am physical strength over mind. I choose to remain unable or unwilling to separate the denial of compassion or feelings/emotions. Not all men do, I know, but many perceive the manner in which all men need to behave and act; much to the detriment of the male consciousness and actions.

I think of the wars and violence created from ego, the need to be better than others. The seemingly innate precision design of men's minds that dictates how we must always prove we are strong. We need to be the hunter-gatherer in mindset, we are the supreme source of talent, but we misplace it or abuse it by losing character. We are strong, but we are weaker in other aspects that matter more.

I feel a slight sadness for the many females who are trapped by men of such limitations. And the men who believe it is primarily the fault of the female, not the above self ignorance, that is the sole blame.

I endured this misguidance from the day I started to grow into a man, from the time of knowing I was a boy I dealt with other boys who early on - dictated forcefully the actions of this imbalance.

I recall one of my best friends in Primary school was indigenous, or of Aboriginal heritage. Or Black - whatever you would choose to label him perhaps. We loved the same music and got on like true mates. One-day the above male single-minded caveman instinct came to the forefront at school, when the boys for unknown reasons, chose to gather like a pack and hunt down my friend with hatred. They threw insults at him, started feeding off the negative energy of each other, until it was growing into unimaginable torment for my friend. What could I do? I found myself disliking it, the leader of the almost Tsavo Lion pride was, what you might term in America as "the Jock." The fit supreme athlete type that was showered with accolades, and earned a higher respect than the rest of us.

Everyone was fearful of him, due in part to the respect in a sense. I walked up and forcefully pushed him against the wall, grabbed his shirt so hard it ripped it. I put my fist up to his chin and demanded the Rot needed to STOP. The rest of the boys stepped back, in shock, I had never behaved this way before. I was the lamb, I was the perfect animal they always used to chase down. How could the lamb stand up and face a lion? Well love conquers hate. 

I will tell you more about that story, that Jock may have had supreme talent and skill, but he died at age 16 on a motorbike - going like a bat out of hell lost control and was killed instantly. I feel immense sadness he would have made the Australian Football League and been a successful highly skilled footballer. He lost his chance. R.I.P. Mate I shared many good times and memories with you - like the time you threw my footy boots into the basement darkness to scare me into going there. The times you acted so eccentric and wanted to release your inhibition you let off fireworks in your hallway when your mother was out ... before football training. Funny, loving reflections.
The other kid, the person I respected and loved, do you know what became of him? The origin of my story was around 27 years ago.

I will elaborate - years later about five to be precise, I was at High School. I was that lamb again. The other boys used to love to try and slaughter me at every chance. I was walking through the yard with a few weeks left until graduation. This bully came up, I had witnessed his antics numerous times on others. He stated simply "This is my territory." 

I smiled and replied (censored) "Suck my D...".

He tried to get me involved in an altercation, as I turned around to look at what I sensed was trouble, the entire school had already gathered in communal presence to observe. The gladiator arena had been suddenly built in the middle of the school for all to enjoy and embrace the mindless violence.

As I did this, another "warrior" grabbed me and pinned my arms held me down, hoping for the other "warriors" to gain the advantage of the battle. They did. I was kicked in the eye, so forcefully it caused bleeding in the eye that required later medical examination... it took months to heal and like crutches i used sunglasses to help comfort my injury. A large motivation was to hide the embarrassment because my ego gave a concern for what other people thought of me.

I came home from that experience just like a Bond Martini I was Shaken, not stirred. Well to be brutally honest I was stirred beyond belief. I was emotional. I was hurt emotionally, more than physically. I was in my bedroom alone dealing with the pain. My best friend at the time Adam, that morning had loaned me the album Automatic For The People by R.E.M. - it was a new release.

I put it on, with the intent it may just distract me.

Cue the song below, about track 4, this song came on, I had never in my life heard it before. It gets the best of people emotional - I cried. I cried and I cried. 

A knock at the door, I tried to get the macho man strength back, I could hear my Mother talking to a visitor. I tried to dry my eyes and face AND BE A REAL MAN. The Cure - what a band I loved at that time - BOYS DON'T CRY.

Guess who it was????

Just try and GUESS.

You remember the friend I related in the story above?

He had come to check I WAS OKAY. (Not the dead friend - Yes I may adopt some spiritual themes, but that pushes me too far into my former insanity themes.)

Reverse Gratitude, years later.

Getting back to the intent of my story and this blog, we walk through the mud. We do not need to allow it to forever be on our skin, in our hearts, and to hold back our minds.

To let go, is to let go of the things that prevent us from marching forward.

We can reach higher ground. We need not keep those crutches for longer than necessary. We need not be afraid of jumping from the mud pit and thinking life can be different. We need not fear change. We can build the life we want from dismissing the need to rely on excuses.

Birth - rebirth. The ability to die while we are alive in order to break free, and start to live without a cage, without restraint.

We have purpose, we have passion, we need to find what we love, embrace it. We need to understand that from pain can come the champion spirit to try and succeed.

You will fail, you will fall down, the question is, will you land on your back, facing upwards, so you can stand back up and punch your fist of determination at the shadows of the person you used to be? Or do you choose to lie face down and submit to defeat? Do you feel comfort in the sense of being able to take a breather and rest for a while? You might get back up when you choose, if you choose.
Or you can stand up like a fighter and prepare to take on the next round, with a view to victory.

You can build on the fact you are no better than anyone else. People may hate on you and think you have ego, or you are saying you are better than them. Inside it matters not. Inside is the heart you embrace and the passion that drives you forward. You can use the hatred or misguided opinions of others to; rather than stall your engine - to add to the intensity of the fuel.

Burn that shit up, take it out at the gym or whatever you use as your creative release. Stand tall, stand like you mean it. Do not cower to yourself to anyone else. The lamb can face the lion. The lamb can be remembered as superior - when the lamb helped and the lion simply devoured with the only intent for self-gain. To feed himself, ahead of the pride. To nourish himself. To reward himself at the expense of the others, including family and the entire tribe.

I have become what I tried to seek in my teenage years through experimentation - Comfortably Numb.

I always wanted the ability to have thick skin, to numb myself from what others thought and said about me. How I was perceived by anyone and everyone. I was a puppet pulled by my strings of conformity; to act like the rest... Not be unique. To be someone that just went through life without ever proving anything of value. Someone that never did anything. Someone in essence, who did not matter. A waste. Just a passenger on a train you glance at from your stranger's perspective - you may ponder me, my life, and never remember or think of me again.

I have gained the ultimate sense of comfortable numbness now in mind and body. I am stronger than I used to be. I am happy. I am me. I am a true divine source of love to myself, and I love to project that love from my heart to others. I might also add a reflection on that early school - a female teacher for reasons unknown to common sense, pondered and raised the question to the class, who is the best looking male here? The general consensus was in favour of the Jock. He had everything. Except to me, a brain. The teacher cast her eyes at me and said Oh but Colin is pretty attractive, he is quite cute, quite beautiful for a boy - BUT HE HAS NO BRAINS TO MATCH IT.
I add this out of no resentment or bitterness but to add another aspect - you are told things in the years of growth that help turn you into an adult, the things that shape and mould you. They truly define who you become your strength your desires your beliefs. If you are told things like - you will never be anything, you will never be successful, you are stupid, you are dumb, you will never be smart enough to finish university - you will never become a champion athlete - you are not as great as the person they believe is the best - you have weaknesses - you have attributes of failure, you will end up with a career shovelling fish guts at the wharf, I will add something and please forgive me for using this language - F**KING DISMISS THAT $HIT. 

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this mental journey, I took a seat on a train I once had a short trip - just to show others what that journey was like, and where the destination may lie. You can choose where your train heads, you cannot change where it came from, the people it picked up, the passengers good and bad along the way. The people who got off at certain stops. The people who smoked in your face when you tried to quit. The people who cast glances and made judgements who did not even know you. The people who told you to act in accordance with their beliefs. The passengers perhaps the female who smiled ever so lovingly and you both got talking. You formed a relationship you fell in love -it died- she got off. You felt sad. You kept on the train. You remembered her for the next hundred stops ahead or thousand. You hoped to see her step back on, She never did. The times you needed your earphones in to numb the emotions, the worrying. The anxiety that crippled you. Anything to dilute the fear you felt. The pain you tried to silence, but it always spoke in whispers. At times it shouted so loudly it made you deaf for long periods of time. But it was a constant companion you did not want always sitting beside you. You wanted it to leave but it kept talking and talking. It never stopped. The passenger known as a lack of self-confidence that prompted the teachers at every school to always keep making me attend classes on how to build self-esteem. Then the decision came. Something triggered an idea. A vision or a Dream of a new destination. A vision to reach and aim for place you thought was never possible to be granted a visa or passport.

HAPPINESS AND SATISFACTION are at this place. Love spends every minute here. Gratitude is a constant visitor that pops their head in the door and whispers, smiles and beams at me, each and every day. Awareness and flow, Synchronicity. Creative abundance, wisdom, balance. The manifestation of all I desire and work toward. I will list the text on an album of paramount importance to my early 14 years of age pain and turmoil - the inside cover of MCMXC a.D by ENIGMA quotes:

THE PATH OF EXCESS LEADS TO THE TOWER OF WISDOM - W. BLAKE.

THE PLEASURE OF SATISFYING A SAVAGE INSTINCT, UNDOMESTICATED BY THE EGO, IS UNCOMPARABLY MUCH MORE INTENSE THAN THE ONE OF SATISFYING A TAMED INSTINCT. THE REASON IS BECOMING THE ENEMY THAT PREVENTS US FROM A LOT OF POSSIBILITIES OF PLEASURE - S. Freud - IF YOU BELIEVE IN THE LIGHT, IT'S BECAUSE OF OBSCURITY, IF YOU BELIEVE IN HAPPINESS IT'S BECAUSE OF UNHAPPINESS, IF YOU BELIEVE IN GOD THEN YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IN THE DEVIL. -father x - exorcist church of notre dame, paris.

Please take No religious perspective on that last one - I am simply relating in my blog to how if you believe in something one way you are forced into simple mainstream linear thinking.

Enjoy the two songs below, the first is Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb

The second is the magic of the song that made my river flow. R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts. I will add that years later I learned that the drummer Bill Berry wrote a majority of the lyrics with large input from the rest of the band. Michael Stipe I think once said this song he desired the intention of it: to help kids through school who had endured hell. To help prevent that kid from perhaps slashing his or her wrists. To encourage them the act of throwing their hand and giving up was not the solution.

That river that flowed from listening to the song was something fraught with pain, I never wanted to swim in it, but now I can reflect on the act of cleansing it encouraged. 

Bless you all and Namaste.

The Art of Letting Go

This blog was inspired by a video I viewed last night by Giovanna Silvestre (ConfusedGirlLA). I have been blessed to have my path graced by her presence. Thankyou. I left a comment on her latest work Titled The Art Of Letting Go. I will include her video in this blog.

My comment revolved around how I was listening to Dr.Wayne W. Dyer only yesterday morning. I found an 8 disc edition of a work titled It's Never Crowded Along The Extra Mile (ten secrets for success and inner peace audio). 
He speaks of how he rarely gave endorsements, but when he heard a tape by Caroline Myss who was just starting on her journey, he was motivated to credit her. Her work was discussing Why People Don't Heal. 
Wayne's thoughts are that most people are too powerfully bonded to the wounds of their past.

I will use my crutches analogy, you can break a bone and recover - but why would you want to keep using the crutches long after the injury has gone?
Someone in my life did this, they actually wanted to keep using real crutches after the bone had mended because they felt comfort or some sense of safety in it.

Wayne says you can change anything in your life - In the now. Anything can be changed. One thing that cannot be changed is your history. Your past. He says about 80 percent of most people spend most mental energy on either trying to change or allowing the memory to upset them. It holds them back. It keeps them stuck and prevents future hope.

He mentions how you may meet someone, within about five minutes of talking to them, they tell you they are an alcoholic, or they were sexually abused. They had a Father who walked out on them. Or they lived in an orphanage, or came from a poor background. They suffer depression.
He explains this is all very well, they are not expected to shut this out and forget it or say it never happened. They are not expected to disregard it. But it is a calling card it keeps holding them back.

I am learning this myself, only recently I wrote about my history.
From what Wayne advises this is great, get it out and help other people with your story. But when you have moved on let it go. No need to discuss it constantly anymore.
So my blogs will not focus on some of my former past. I have moved on rapidly in recent times. I still found myself leaning ever slightly on those crutches. Now they have been returned to the hospital, in order for someone in true need to use them, in my mind.

This title of Giovanna's video made me think of my good friend Dr. Gillian Ross, she did the Relaxation or Meditation CD titled The Art Of Letting Go, which I discovered around six months ago. The benefits of Meditation in letting go are touched upon at the end of the video by Giovanna. If you would like to look into this CD, I must add, Giovanna was unaware of it - released by a wellbeing expert in Australia, but I urge anyone that needs some healing to look it up link:

https://shop.abc.net.au/products/gillian-ross-the-art-of-letting-go-cd

I will also include a song that touched me powerfully the other morning, it is my new theme song for personal development and I had never absorbed the lyrics before, It applies in every essence to this post. Please let me know if the video gets taken down, it is made by a fan and uses footage from movies if so I will edit and add another clip.
The song by Cat Power, aka Chan Marshall, is powerful because she has dealt with alcohol and prescription drug addiction. It nearly destroyed her and her entire career. There are some infamous stories of public on-stage meltdowns. She was crippled by demons and anxiety and has found a way to move on now. Her song was written during the time, I do not believe she was over this, but what you do reflects in what you create. I think her song represented what she hoped for. What was possible, but the title makes me think again of how people reject it. Maybe Not. I can change or I can dream of a better life - Maybe not?
You need to learn to change your mindset.

Improve the Body the Mind Follows

Just one year ago I had no idea this person would be sitting here typing this. The person a year ago was a different version of myself, both in mind and in body, and in spirit.
He was fragmented, unhappy, lacked desire and heart, was trapped by a prison of self doubt loathing and dictated to; every minute of every day, by the fear of anxiety and consumed by worrying and negative thought patterns.

Just what on earth changed you may ask?
What could possibly turn a man at 37 years of age who was capable of getting upset by a negative remark from a stranger, into stewing on it emotionally, or who tortured himself for many years by allowing a particularly nasty neighbour to control his life by dominating the weakness factor?  (So much so he took her to court and applied for a Restraint order.)

If I recall this time last year, I just mentioned that fact because I was terrified of that person and the amount of stress and anxiety I allowed the situation to inflict on me physically as much as mentally.
Back to the old me he was vomiting and killing himself by obsessing about that person and what she was doing to him and to everyone around him.  It was taking such a bad toll.
If there was a measurement for Cortisol levels during the past few years, with the amount of police call outs from all the neighbours on his block, that cortisol level reading would have blown the scales.

He was also controlled by the worrying factor.  He laughs when he can think back many years ago, being directly told by two special people He needed to stop worrying!!!
Why on earth would he now laugh of this in retrospect?
Because at the time he was in denial.  He strongly argued to the people who suggested this, that the mere suggestion was false and that he did not worry.  He had no issues in his mind.
He did learn and grow to know a week or a month later they indeed had valid points, but it took those people to tell him to ask himself deep inside - what makes him the person he is? 
who does he want to be? Is he truly happy? is life all it can be?

I want to keep this short so I will explain the turn-around briefly and in short.
The things that lead to his turn around essentially came from one decision.
It was the decision to adopt a new way of thinking or rather a concept he had not considered:

CHANGE.

The eventual end result of the person typing this came from wanting to change, sticking to it through thick and thin - through dedication, discipline, and loving every second of the journey.
The person you read this from now is most happy to inform you he has the warrior proofed mind and body that he never thought in his wildest dreams he would ever be possible of attaining or manifesting.

He no longer cares what others think of him, that neighbour is still right next door but he gained the strength to dismiss her attacks - and learned what makes a person or mind behave like hers.
He is so happy some days he feels he is on cloud nine.  The anxiety was cured 100 percent he has not endured any symptoms or an episode since the end of winter early spring 2013.

The medication for reflux and heartburn ceased and the vomiting no longer an issue. The meds for the anxiety no longer prescribed and he has a life he always dreamed of. He went from sick and unhealthy and obese by BMI standards to super fit and strong and he cured himself of all health issues including high cholesterol and liver function issues, astigmatism was reversed in his vision and he now plans to give back to others what this change gave back to him.

It is great to understand yourself first, then to read and learn about the inner workings of the mind, in order to gain an understanding of what makes other people behave the way they do.

Improve the body the mind follows.

This picture is a striking face comparison of the time I was feeding my body toxic foods and feelings and only a few months later the difference when I started to love it and myself instead.

I speak of him in the first, second and third person in this for the reason being, I am now in little doubt I am in charge of my future and destiny and to illustrate the fact I am in charge of my life. He was not. That person was not, he was lost and confused.
Goodbye old me!

If you want to enjoy my journey or even if want to allow my healing to help you - follow or promote this and or the mission I am now on - Not for profit.  I help others because I care. I am not driven by any goal of making money from this, I do not sell or offer anything but messages of hope and inspiration.  (Although personally locally I am seeking work in a gym this year to apply the skills I feel I am strongest at.) I love the feeling of what being positive to others does in return and I love gratitude I want to live each day as if it were the last and inspire some people along the way if I can.

Namaste, love and light -
Colin.