When I was 14, I was shaken but not stirred. I began to awaken the creative beast, born from pain. The animal within was writhing in such agony and turmoil, it had no choice but to lash out. It did not intend harm, but the animal can threaten, and intimidate the enemy, all around it, and hunt the prey down for the kill. It can search and destroy at night, or during the day. The animal spirit is for the good - although in the wild, the laws of the natural world appear to some, to be misunderstood. NFR was a concept I created in the inner depths my artistic pursuit. It was my reaction to the world, that in my mind had fucked me over. Any teenager that has had his mother endure Rape - and almost murdered, and has every obstacle placed in the path ahead, from the moment of birth has some entitlement to resentment. Any kid who feels on the outside, and gets beaten from the inside, and outside, reacts. Any child who is taught from every person they come into contact with, that opinions and morals projected from them, matter more to shaping the future. The simple ideology of being unique, or setting a dream of using the imagination - is not a vision of success taught by the teachers of life. NFR was a graffiti crew I started in 1992, it still has active members to this day - making it the longest running serving graffiti group ever to embrace our city. It stood for NO FUCKING RESPECT. I believed in having NO FUCKING RESPECT - for the rules that broke my dreams, the rules of others that enforced sadness, guilt, sorrow or pain over LOVE. You may THINK you have the RIGHT to stop someone, or to say someone has no right to act in a way that conflicts with what YOU believe in. I gave up Graffiti at age 16, largely in part to one act of gratitude by the people of whom some I was rebelling against. I was never caught, charged nor arrested at ANY stage. I have No criminal record. I was being admitted to Psych one cold winter night in 1993, my life had pretty much ended - I had done such extreme drug use my mind collapsed - Lsd and lesser substances had taken the Syd Barret effect, turned the creative animal in me, to a crippled, cage-bound restricted emotional wreck. I was being driven to the hospital in the back of a police car - who I must say acted with such dignity and concern for my welfare. Perhaps if they knew the above secret the officers, male and female; may not have allowed me a simple act - I was so terrified and in turmoil an officer said I could light a cigarette in the backseat and smoke, whilst driving along the highway. This broke the rules - but in my mind at that time the rules that perhaps are most worthy of breaking. The act of allowing someone else's life to be better, rather than concern yourself with the rules enforced to make you a robot. We are slaves in a manner, to judgement, to opinions - to the resentment, hate and violence inflicted by a society or world that encourages limits. I have, always will have, and forever more NO FUCKING RESPECT for this. The graffiti element is out of my hands - that was taken away from me by other forces - so please I do not want you jumping up and down blaming me for any past, current or future property damage. I do not hold any desire for breaking any laws these days. In fact - that teenager gave up smoking, gave up ALL drugs, Resentment and started to live in solitude. And slowly recover. It has taken over 22 years for this to emerge or evolve fully. But my principle stands. Deal with it. If you cannot respect yourself, and love yourself in order to respect others - I have simply: NO FUCKING RESPECT for that. But I accept it. I accept ALL, regardless of what you do, how you act, what you have done or do, in any manner that used to once conflict with my own standards or enforced belief system. I judge you not for anything. Sadly, not many reflect this in return. the video below the NFR image is a main motivating force that summarises many of my shared ideals these days. It was made by Mateusz M, the man is one awakened enlightened mind. Look up his videos on YouTube, powerful motivation. The concept of NFR has been reborn on the day I took the photo below the video. The concept is the ideals or visions I stand beside. Not in the sense of encouraging any property damage whatsoever - but mentally. Mental strength. You must learn to look within, and start to THINK, question Yourself, and Respect Yourself. If you do not - you're the robot or puppet that moves along this world with the other 99 % of the robots and pulled-stringed puppets. The mind is one, the act of the manner in which you treat others, the world around you, the people, animals, all life forms and energy. UNIVERSE - Uni - (one) Verse (Song) We are supposed to sing as One, yes we all have different melodies and create frequency or songs that differ, but the one song is not being made or heard as intended. This was a great concept I learned from Dr. Wayne W. Dyer - an internationally known and respected man of knowledge and inner mental strength, depth and thought. You know what it is - THINK. Learn. Open your mind to it. Break that robot mindset. Namaste.
I would love to share some thoughts on a subject I hope some of you might find fascinating. I have many female friends, I hope this can give you valuable insight into what goes on in the mind of a man. The male prurient desire - a means to an end? Why men visualise sexual desire and embrace anger, the reasons they act out on it in stark contrast to females is always baffling to most of us. Some are dismissive to the notion that men have a stronger sexual desire than females. But look back at history, a small reflection on the birth of Pornography, the slant of Prostitution towards gratification for one sex (male) must indicate that yes, men must approach it from a different angle. Nymphomania might be the female comparison and a most widely misunderstood pattern of behaviour. In men, it's known as Satyriasis.
For men satyriasis is directed by the ego, drawn from insecurity; not anything physical. You might be surprised to learn it can encompass, or hold within many negative patterns. It sustains the childlike tendency to seek attention and sources a feeling of greatness from conquest. Men who largely seek constant sexual encounters and or embrace anger/violence, are driven by subconscious soft-wired mind and body neuro patterns. Patterns are formed and when someone gains pleasure it can become a self-perpetuated instinct. Repeated constantly for the original source reward. We seek rewards or turn to Porn and violence or anger for many various reasons, like an addiction we think we find pleasure/satisfaction from it. We might find it fills a void, we find it dulls the pain or dilutes a feeling of loneliness. It gives us a sense of dominance over weakness. We think or assume we get reward from these emotions, gained from verbal and non-verbal self-talk. Talk can be sourced from the five senses...
Our subconscious interpretation of ourselves is drawn from years of formed patterns. Some of these are powerfully created during childhood and growing up. We are shaped and formed as adults, by the events and behaviours we are moulded into. For some people, both male and female - the fear of intimacy creates a strong inclination to seek relationships and pornography online. We are disengaged by the real need to connect, but we gain some sense of enjoyment from thinking or assuming we are happy. I myself am in No position to dictate or guide anyone else on anything, so I will relate my own story instead as a reflection on my growth and knowledge gained.
My childhood was a time of upheaval and many constant changes and challenges. Everyone has a passage in life that has obstacles and barriers. The path is always bound to be blocked at any given moment. How we move around that obstacle and proceed forward defines us, how we stumble or delay, or get stuck by that blockage is what keeps us in a place I was formally comfortable in. A sanctuary I would refuse to leave; mostly out of ignorance or fear.
My Mother taught me as a boy to respect others. I was encouraged to not be racist or judgemental of others. That failed to stop my mind and heart from applying it. Not in the racial sense but the constant judging of all based on actions, appearance, pretty much all attributes. I have been accepting of most choices people make, from homosexuality to drug use. My childhood and teenage experiences allowed me to paint a portrait I kept hanging on a wall for years to follow. Luckily not many people ever visited that gallery to view it's ugly disfigurement.
That portrait has been recently dismantled.
I will relate my reliance on pornography and anger during my lost years. This was indicative of the male I was ... incapable of sustaining a decent relationship with myself and others, not from porn, but from the lack of emotional intelligence to seek and understand how to gain it. How to sustain it is simply impossible if you harbour such profound weakness. I was your typical male, driven by the caveman or primitive sexual desire of wanting sex with those allusive female cave-women. Please excuse my awful generalization, I try to paint with words sometimes. Through isolation and being child-like in maturity, I always thought I needed a visual stimuli for my sexual stimulation, I must add, being single only enhanced this need in my justification. I was alone for a long time. You begin to think only one pattern leads to a quick fix. I will discuss this as an addiction. I will include a video by Teal Swan on why I refer to this in retrospection as a drug.
Things changed. With growth comes insight. I formed a powerful relationship a while ago that changed the dynamics within myself, in the midst of other rapid changes. I wanted to truly look deep within myself, and discover the reasons for failure in past relationships. How could I become a better person? More importantly become a better man?
I think a true relationship goes deeper than a physical act. The part in the Teal video where she describes two pieces of meat rubbing together made me chuckle. In part because it is true. You can engage in sex as something solitary or learn to adopt a more unifying approach. Lack of arousal in men and females is normal. The stereotypical porn visualisation of a man with constant libido, and the basis of what most of it projects in terms of everything, leaves a bitter after-taste in minds that do not even know what is considered to be normal and natural. The ideas and patterns some men form in large part to a lack of real-life wisdom, is inflicted detrimentally onto many females. You will no doubt know of the man who thinks he wants to be a movie star in the bedroom. Most of you are not willing to embrace being the lead actor (formally Actress in older times) in that movie are you? Some roles you might enjoy, but little plot twists and the final scene can rob you of your cinematic experience. Most porn is devoid of all emotions/feeling/romance and driven purely as physical visualisation stimuli.
I believe most men need to get in touch more with the desire for wholeness and inner balance. Not to focus on the macho ideals and be so drawn into the lures of ego and physical image. To let go of the primitive instincts reinforced for years by the majority of other males. Some men believe to act in accordance with one set belief and behaviour, is how to be a real man desirable and attractive to most women. This can be far from reality. The song Boy's Don't Cry by The Cure comes to mind, listen to that song. The meaning is obvious, but the way in which we practice the act of being a male is not always beneficial. It can be a poor projection to others...
I think of much conflict and death, caused in large part by ego, vanity, anger leading to violence through lack of understanding oneself. We like to blame someone for this, and point the finger, some men even have the gall to blame females, that they are too difficult or complex to understand. Some men who inflict violence on females, rather than recognise their own fault, they instead blame the victim. She asked for it. She wanted it. She deserved it, She had it coming. They also do this in justifying violence to other men. He asked for it. He needed a good shaking up. He was an idiot that deserved it. I punched him and ended up in court, but man that sucker was lucky I did not kill him. I will get my friends to pay him some respect. Nobody will undermine my manhood, no man can allow me to feel weak. No woman will make me feel weak. I would rather smash her apart then feel worthless. I would rather kill than feel inferior. I hate the stench of defeat. I will always strive for conquest. Dominance. Strength. Power. I relate this point not from my history, I have never found violence at all desirable or beneficial, the alluring aspect I fail to understand. I thought sex was to be sought and chased at one stage, as most of the worlds inhabitants believe. Not violence or violent sex that makes one person feel violated or uncomfortable, stealing from them whilst giving gratification to the other.
In return, the cycle turns back. The motor keeps grinding, stalling and failing. The engine runs on fuel from a poor source. The car body analogy again, it's nice to look at perhaps, but inside the mechanics, or guts of it - the mind of the car, is a wreck. The car might be fun for a ride now and then, but any long term travel is not desired by all whom have sat in the interior. The exterior was appealing, the force was inviting, the strength of it perhaps was admirable. We probably made a good investment in it, hoping that the motor was a good long-term prospect. That motor will carry my future and get me to the path I desire, and carry my children; dreams and hopes along with it. Anything in life that lacks character, loses respect. The car begins to choke with bad exhaust fumes, the motor becomes unreliable it breaks down. The car needs too much maintenance and service.
The damn thing was a Porsche at the start, now it sadly resembles a rusty junk yard piece of scrap metal. It serves no useful purpose. It once drove me, now it drives me away. It hummed, but it crashed. It broke apart. I am attempting to reflect this as the symptoms of all relationships - the emotional engine, the fuel that binds it, the motor that can stall or deteriorate with age and use. The car that was fun but now needs replacing. The elements that attracted us to enjoy it and encouraged us to travel a journey with it, are now fast vanishing and being replaced by faults and issues.
In sexual terms, performance anxiety and lack of arousal can come from inevitable failures in the bedroom, from both female and male aspects. The need is to accept life is not a Hollywood script, and not everything goes as planned. Some take the seriousness of expectation to heart, one partner might want sex, the other may not feel like it. One might want certain results, one may not be receptive to gratitude in acquiring this result. One may think the other has lost interest. One may think the other has too much interest. One may not like the intricacy of the partners fantasy or methods. One may feel neglected sexually, as if they do not receive the fair share of the pie. They want to consume an amount worthy, but the other has already filled the digestive system with the gastronomical delights. One may want dessert or an entré. The dish may not taste as great for one as it did for the other. The same dish may be constantly cooked and served. The taste becomes bland and monotony abounds. Monotony can lead to disinterest. Sometimes the taste of monotony leads to the once loved flavour; becoming eventually unpalatable. This leads to relationship tension, breakdown, misunderstanding, conflict - turmoil of emotions. You fill the pot with every single bad ingredient you can possibly think of, allow it to stew for a long period of time... you end up the food sticks to the bottom, the water has drained, the food it starts to burn. The smoke becomes fire. The house burns down in terms of unfolding events. You lose something you cherish, something you claimed ownership over - you feel you have been robbed. A part of your delicacy has been taken away by someone else. They ate it, spat it out, or even vomited it over you, in front of everyone you know. This is called resentment. It comes from encouraging the desire we own everything in life. We own the right to how others act and react to us. We should be loved. We hate it when we are not. We own feelings and the right to be happy. We get frustrated our ownership is at risk of being taken away. We have invested in it. We spent time and money on buying all the things that encompass the whole property. We lose the property and we stake a claim on emotional insurance. We want to gain the value back. We feel pain. We feel sadness. We start to manifest negative emotions that rival the fury of nature. It has beauty and we love nature, we loved what we owned. The potential to suddenly create total destruction from an event we think is not reasonable, or an act that we did not deserve. Why did this happen to me? I do my best, I try my hardest, but life or a God I conceptualise - why reward me with pain? These are negative patterns we love to foster and keep, I will use the analogy as children. We think we own them, and want to keep them. They are taken away and we are mad as hell. We get angry someone can abuse our children, or our patterns, and inflict damage on them. Patterns are strange things, we love to hold onto them, we constantly do. We love them and want the very best for them. Sometimes these children want to leave home, if you think about it, at the end of the day, we are never truly entitled to ownership. Anger, pain hurt misery are great examples of things we should never own for any length of time. Let alone keep as an investment. Hoping it pays a bonus one-day... because it will not pay anything of value if you always retain it. It robs you, it steals from you. It destroys you. You may try to nurture it and raise it in a good way but it rebels against you. Children are to be gifted and raised for the right purpose, if you feel ownership of the right that this child must grow up and act accordingly to what You want, and does not act in full accordance to this agreement written in blood, you feel cheated. Anything we claim we own, and we lose or we think is stolen, we resent it. We hold onto the idea our resentment is justified. It was the thief that took it, they should pay the ultimate justice. That thief can be another person, or a memory, or an event. It can be an extended emotion. It can decay us inside like coca-cola reacts with teeth. We pay for it with health as well as mind. Coca-Cola is a huge brand but it has power. Some people know the bad effects of something, others love to condone anything out of the basis of fear ...to stand against something is harder than to simply acknowledge it, and we wander like lemmings off the edge of the cliff called life. Blindly following the same mistakes of the person ahead of us. We had a chance to stop, but we felt the change in direction would be more risky or challenging than staying on the path. Dr. Wayne W. Dyer discusses an important principle that There are NO JUSTIFIED RESENTMENTS in life. Full stop. Application to every resentment you can imagine. No exceptions. This also applies to drinking coca-cola once upon a time ;-P Patterns above can be re-programmed, at any age. The science known as Neuroplasticity has proven beyond doubt the mind and behaviours can be altered. Your life can be changed from set patterns to new possibilities. You might not agree, and say you are trapped within the confines of circumstance, lifestyle, career, relationship, family or heritage... or the other billion reasons known as fears. Fear is something that prevents most of us from considering life can be different. Fear might tell you and confirm in your mind that I am preaching utter bull$hit, and you are happy as a pig in $hit with your current sex life and pornography use. or you are perfectly entitled to smash heads in every drunken drug fuelled weekend. You are justified to feel whatever you feel, you use it in the manner you currently live... whether it's right or wrong, who am I to cast my opinion at a stranger? Porn and sex might be used in a healthy way somehow for your personal circumstance. All I can reflect is what I have learned applies to me. I would like to offer a perspective to others that many might not usually hear. Violence is unacceptable in all forms.... but many disagree and the world whispers for peace and solidarity amongst a select minority. Love always has more energy over hate. You might come to realise that this is true in a new time or change. You learn in life, that to dismiss the opinions of others, when you feel it contradicts your own experiences or values... becomes a safety valve. You might want to force some pressure through mine to show how you feel disapproval. I do not really care. I embrace the opinions of all others, I make my choices through the teachers and lessons I wish to learn from. I feel no need to restrict the attitudes or enforce behaviours onto others. I do not feel the desire for people to share the same values and ideals that I now embrace. I do not expect to change or expect any reward from anything I do, if I receive a gift of hatred, I accept it...but I fail to keep it. I embrace negative challenges these days, life is not a pure flow of constant happiness. darkness is always willing to drown us, however we can choose to drown or swim in life. I was struggling to stay afloat for too many years, tossed around the intense swirling waters of my own emotions. I created a whirlpool of my own ocean, almost calm for brief moments, but thrown against storms constantly. This sea was polluted by toxic thoughts of which most people suffer, worrying anxiety, doubts fear and a lack of motivation. Lack of self-esteem and confidence. The lack of strength in mind and body to feel worthy that I could accomplish anything great, or that mattered. A feeling that to transverse life is to try and sail as I expected the course would map out. The journey was set upon a destination I did not want to arrive at. I for a very long time accepted that no matter how hard you can dream, dreams are illusions. Dreams are visions for others to attain. Success and happiness are prevented by circumstance and history. The things that happened yesterday will either prevent the sun shining tomorrow, or cast a shadow forever on any light that manages to filter through. History repeats. Life is sort of a box to be viewed from within, held in the inner realm by the confines. To feel safe in a sense by the comfort of knowing this box felt like the only option. Unable to view anything because of obscurity. Unable to see because my eyes and vision had been clouded by personal glasses I built and created for myself. The vision was blurred, the beautiful in life was out of focus. I could sometimes see it but not truly sense it. I could not feel it. I did not believe in it. I did not believe in the one person that is the critical leader you must turn to - yourself. You must turn toward yourself in order to see the reflection. Then when you start to open your eyes, and delve inward in a more positive manner, the mirror becomes reflected to others in the same way. If you keep that mirror dirty, perhaps through being unaware it can be cleansed, life remains stagnant. Walk through the mud to reach the higher ground, or just stay stuck in it.... this was my life. I was covered and assumed I was trapped. I can tell you... that is not the limitations of which this universe operates on. Try to think outside the square. Here is a painting I did when I was 15 during High School, I feel it embraces the feeling of the subject matter visually:
lastly after this epic rant I will finally relent with -
If I have a goal of this essay that started out as a thought process, I would like to entertain the possibility it stirred some thoughts within you...the reader. Did it strike a chord at times, or strike a match? If it burns, it can replenish. If it humbles, it gives light. If it resonates, I applaud you. lastly, if you read it all the way to this conclusion #Gratitude. and Namaste. Love, light and laughter. #Heart smiles.
Here is the Teal Swan video and as you know, I love my music with passion - a Joy Division song most applicable to this blog in title and substance.
We face challenges, nobody has immunity from this. I love how Greg Plitt said we must crawl or walk through the mud, in order to reach the higher ground in life. Some of us stay stuck in the mud, we maintain a futile insistence largely driven by fear, that the endeavour to escape is either too hard, or others have failed. The failure of others to overcome strengthens our belief that the mud is best to remain covered in, at least for the time being. Perhaps oneday we might consider climbing out. But for now, we embrace the comfort it gives us, the zone of which familiarity keeps us idle.
When I was 14 things happened to change my life, To me it was a downward spiral into the mud. I learned to cover myself in it. Things happened much more powerful and intense in effect than the event I speak of below at age 16. Nonetheless I learned to saviour the taste for many years like some forbidden fruit. I wanted to discard the fruit and my desire to taste it, but I kept hold of the memory for my innermost protection - the comfort zone again. Like a crutches analogy, I used the broken bones or injury but kept using the crutches for years after the pain and injury had healed. I was wounded. The original injury never fully healed, I still suffered new events, caused in large part by the infinite ache of the initial wound.
Reflection now is most peaceful. I can look back on this part of my life as the best Teacher I ever had. Perhaps this teacher was in essence like the book I am currently reading by Dr. Gillian Ross titled Psyche's Yearning; Gillian describes PSYCHE AND EROS.
The story is phenomenal I urge you to look it up, if you are unaware of it.
A part of me was EROS, I do not deny my feminine love and spirit within me. Yes I am a male but the path some men choose to follow is to remain steadfast in their male traits. If I want to think about hostility and the cave-man desire to beat my chest, to pronounce I am physical strength over mind. I choose to remain unable or unwilling to separate the denial of compassion or feelings/emotions. Not all men do, I know, but many perceive the manner in which all men need to behave and act; much to the detriment of the male consciousness and actions.
I think of the wars and violence created from ego, the need to be better than others. The seemingly innate precision design of men's minds that dictates how we must always prove we are strong. We need to be the hunter-gatherer in mindset, we are the supreme source of talent, but we misplace it or abuse it by losing character. We are strong, but we are weaker in other aspects that matter more.
I feel a slight sadness for the many females who are trapped by men of such limitations. And the men who believe it is primarily the fault of the female, not the above self ignorance, that is the sole blame.
I endured this misguidance from the day I started to grow into a man, from the time of knowing I was a boy I dealt with other boys who early on - dictated forcefully the actions of this imbalance.
I recall one of my best friends in Primary school was indigenous, or of Aboriginal heritage. Or Black - whatever you would choose to label him perhaps. We loved the same music and got on like true mates. One-day the above male single-minded caveman instinct came to the forefront at school, when the boys for unknown reasons, chose to gather like a pack and hunt down my friend with hatred. They threw insults at him, started feeding off the negative energy of each other, until it was growing into unimaginable torment for my friend. What could I do? I found myself disliking it, the leader of the almost Tsavo Lion pride was, what you might term in America as "the Jock." The fit supreme athlete type that was showered with accolades, and earned a higher respect than the rest of us.
Everyone was fearful of him, due in part to the respect in a sense. I walked up and forcefully pushed him against the wall, grabbed his shirt so hard it ripped it. I put my fist up to his chin and demanded the Rot needed to STOP. The rest of the boys stepped back, in shock, I had never behaved this way before. I was the lamb, I was the perfect animal they always used to chase down. How could the lamb stand up and face a lion? Well love conquers hate.
I will tell you more about that story, that Jock may have had supreme talent and skill, but he died at age 16 on a motorbike - going like a bat out of hell lost control and was killed instantly. I feel immense sadness he would have made the Australian Football League and been a successful highly skilled footballer. He lost his chance. R.I.P. Mate I shared many good times and memories with you - like the time you threw my footy boots into the basement darkness to scare me into going there. The times you acted so eccentric and wanted to release your inhibition you let off fireworks in your hallway when your mother was out ... before football training. Funny, loving reflections.
The other kid, the person I respected and loved, do you know what became of him? The origin of my story was around 27 years ago.
I will elaborate - years later about five to be precise, I was at High School. I was that lamb again. The other boys used to love to try and slaughter me at every chance. I was walking through the yard with a few weeks left until graduation. This bully came up, I had witnessed his antics numerous times on others. He stated simply "This is my territory."
I smiled and replied (censored) "Suck my D...".
He tried to get me involved in an altercation, as I turned around to look at what I sensed was trouble, the entire school had already gathered in communal presence to observe. The gladiator arena had been suddenly built in the middle of the school for all to enjoy and embrace the mindless violence.
As I did this, another "warrior" grabbed me and pinned my arms held me down, hoping for the other "warriors" to gain the advantage of the battle. They did. I was kicked in the eye, so forcefully it caused bleeding in the eye that required later medical examination... it took months to heal and like crutches i used sunglasses to help comfort my injury. A large motivation was to hide the embarrassment because my ego gave a concern for what other people thought of me.
I came home from that experience just like a Bond Martini I was Shaken, not stirred. Well to be brutally honest I was stirred beyond belief. I was emotional. I was hurt emotionally, more than physically. I was in my bedroom alone dealing with the pain. My best friend at the time Adam, that morning had loaned me the album Automatic For The People by R.E.M. - it was a new release.
I put it on, with the intent it may just distract me.
Cue the song below, about track 4, this song came on, I had never in my life heard it before. It gets the best of people emotional - I cried. I cried and I cried.
A knock at the door, I tried to get the macho man strength back, I could hear my Mother talking to a visitor. I tried to dry my eyes and face AND BE A REAL MAN. The Cure - what a band I loved at that time - BOYS DON'T CRY.
Guess who it was????
Just try and GUESS.
You remember the friend I related in the story above?
He had come to check I WAS OKAY. (Not the dead friend - Yes I may adopt some spiritual themes, but that pushes me too far into my former insanity themes.)
Reverse Gratitude, years later.
Getting back to the intent of my story and this blog, we walk through the mud. We do not need to allow it to forever be on our skin, in our hearts, and to hold back our minds.
To let go, is to let go of the things that prevent us from marching forward.
We can reach higher ground. We need not keep those crutches for longer than necessary. We need not be afraid of jumping from the mud pit and thinking life can be different. We need not fear change. We can build the life we want from dismissing the need to rely on excuses.
Birth - rebirth. The ability to die while we are alive in order to break free, and start to live without a cage, without restraint.
We have purpose, we have passion, we need to find what we love, embrace it. We need to understand that from pain can come the champion spirit to try and succeed.
You will fail, you will fall down, the question is, will you land on your back, facing upwards, so you can stand back up and punch your fist of determination at the shadows of the person you used to be? Or do you choose to lie face down and submit to defeat? Do you feel comfort in the sense of being able to take a breather and rest for a while? You might get back up when you choose, if you choose.
Or you can stand up like a fighter and prepare to take on the next round, with a view to victory.
You can build on the fact you are no better than anyone else. People may hate on you and think you have ego, or you are saying you are better than them. Inside it matters not. Inside is the heart you embrace and the passion that drives you forward. You can use the hatred or misguided opinions of others to; rather than stall your engine - to add to the intensity of the fuel.
Burn that shit up, take it out at the gym or whatever you use as your creative release. Stand tall, stand like you mean it. Do not cower to yourself to anyone else. The lamb can face the lion. The lamb can be remembered as superior - when the lamb helped and the lion simply devoured with the only intent for self-gain. To feed himself, ahead of the pride. To nourish himself. To reward himself at the expense of the others, including family and the entire tribe.
I have become what I tried to seek in my teenage years through experimentation - Comfortably Numb.
I always wanted the ability to have thick skin, to numb myself from what others thought and said about me. How I was perceived by anyone and everyone. I was a puppet pulled by my strings of conformity; to act like the rest... Not be unique. To be someone that just went through life without ever proving anything of value. Someone that never did anything. Someone in essence, who did not matter. A waste. Just a passenger on a train you glance at from your stranger's perspective - you may ponder me, my life, and never remember or think of me again.
I have gained the ultimate sense of comfortable numbness now in mind and body. I am stronger than I used to be. I am happy. I am me. I am a true divine source of love to myself, and I love to project that love from my heart to others. I might also add a reflection on that early school - a female teacher for reasons unknown to common sense, pondered and raised the question to the class, who is the best looking male here? The general consensus was in favour of the Jock. He had everything. Except to me, a brain. The teacher cast her eyes at me and said Oh but Colin is pretty attractive, he is quite cute, quite beautiful for a boy - BUT HE HAS NO BRAINS TO MATCH IT.
I add this out of no resentment or bitterness but to add another aspect - you are told things in the years of growth that help turn you into an adult, the things that shape and mould you. They truly define who you become your strength your desires your beliefs. If you are told things like - you will never be anything, you will never be successful, you are stupid, you are dumb, you will never be smart enough to finish university - you will never become a champion athlete - you are not as great as the person they believe is the best - you have weaknesses - you have attributes of failure, you will end up with a career shovelling fish guts at the wharf, I will add something and please forgive me for using this language - F**KING DISMISS THAT $HIT.
Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this mental journey, I took a seat on a train I once had a short trip - just to show others what that journey was like, and where the destination may lie. You can choose where your train heads, you cannot change where it came from, the people it picked up, the passengers good and bad along the way. The people who got off at certain stops. The people who smoked in your face when you tried to quit. The people who cast glances and made judgements who did not even know you. The people who told you to act in accordance with their beliefs. The passengers perhaps the female who smiled ever so lovingly and you both got talking. You formed a relationship you fell in love -it died- she got off. You felt sad. You kept on the train. You remembered her for the next hundred stops ahead or thousand. You hoped to see her step back on, She never did. The times you needed your earphones in to numb the emotions, the worrying. The anxiety that crippled you. Anything to dilute the fear you felt. The pain you tried to silence, but it always spoke in whispers. At times it shouted so loudly it made you deaf for long periods of time. But it was a constant companion you did not want always sitting beside you. You wanted it to leave but it kept talking and talking. It never stopped. The passenger known as a lack of self-confidence that prompted the teachers at every school to always keep making me attend classes on how to build self-esteem. Then the decision came. Something triggered an idea. A vision or a Dream of a new destination. A vision to reach and aim for place you thought was never possible to be granted a visa or passport.
HAPPINESS AND SATISFACTION are at this place. Love spends every minute here. Gratitude is a constant visitor that pops their head in the door and whispers, smiles and beams at me, each and every day. Awareness and flow,Synchronicity. Creative abundance, wisdom, balance. The manifestation of all I desire and work toward. I will list the text on an album of paramount importance to my early 14 years of age pain and turmoil - the inside cover of MCMXC a.D by ENIGMA quotes:
THE PATH OF EXCESS LEADS TO THE TOWER OF WISDOM - W. BLAKE.
THE PLEASURE OF SATISFYING A SAVAGE INSTINCT, UNDOMESTICATED BY THE EGO, IS UNCOMPARABLY MUCH MORE INTENSE THAN THE ONE OF SATISFYING A TAMED INSTINCT. THE REASON IS BECOMING THE ENEMY THAT PREVENTS US FROM A LOT OF POSSIBILITIES OF PLEASURE - S. Freud - IF YOU BELIEVE IN THE LIGHT, IT'S BECAUSE OF OBSCURITY, IF YOU BELIEVE IN HAPPINESS IT'S BECAUSE OF UNHAPPINESS, IF YOU BELIEVE IN GOD THEN YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IN THE DEVIL. -father x - exorcist church of notre dame, paris.
Please take No religious perspective on that last one - I am simply relating in my blog to how if you believe in something one way you are forced into simple mainstream linear thinking.
Enjoy the two songs below, the first is Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb
The second is the magic of the song that made my river flow. R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts. I will add that years later I learned that the drummer Bill Berry wrote a majority of the lyrics with large input from the rest of the band. Michael Stipe I think once said this song he desired the intention of it: to help kids through school who had endured hell. To help prevent that kid from perhaps slashing his or her wrists. To encourage them the act of throwing their hand and giving up was not the solution.
That river that flowed from listening to the song was something fraught with pain, I never wanted to swim in it, but now I can reflect on the act of cleansing it encouraged.
Okay, I was planning to quote some Louise L. Hay material but after some online research it appears to be a copyright grey area... so I am just going to wing it myself with some thoughts based on her general wisdom that I have learned from her great work recently. I will put it entirely into my own words and express how I wish to share it - I will include an interview with the great lady at the bottom of this blog I found on YouTube if you choose you can listen to her, and watch her speak her insight.
A few months ago I purchased her CD 101 Power Thoughts from Amazon Link:
I can now look back on this as the catalyst of rapid mindset change and growth.
It opened up a door that was already partially ajar, thanks in great part to my spiritual leader and friend the Australian well-being expert, Author and Meditation CD publisher, Dr. Gillian Ross. It led me to a new path that I am so grateful to walk upon each and every day.
One observation I have made from reading many countless stories from others who have experienced profound growth, is the initial event or the common theme that seems to trigger or inspire it. This to me seems to be created from change, or an event that prompts change. This can be a devastating life battle, or a shattering struggle or challenge. Or perhaps simply from one's own desire to improve a life they are unhappy with.
In my personal case, and many others, it was the decision to improve the body. A Nutrition upheaval or physical choice to lose weight and get healthy. Louise is a strong promoter of the simple facts of which we need to nourish our body, give it good quality nutrition, exercise and love ourselves. She actually encourages people to consult a nutritionist if they are unsure, or research how to eat better and live well.
Why would she promote this? I can sense some of you asking this, and you might respond with things such as... you are perfectly comfortable in your skin and happy in your current life without the need to adopt any dietary changes. If this is the case, why do you complain about your job, why do you worry the minute you wake up from a bad night's sleep, affected by alcohol from the night before? Perhaps you are nicotine reliant, or you smoked some dope last night, or popped prescription meds to get you through your crippling anxiety. Or you use anything you can to comfort the pain you just denied? Why do you say you want to lose that belly fat or get to the gym, but you do not have time for exercise? You have children and a busy life, you cannot fit it in ... and so on. Why do some of you say you do not worry and are mostly happy, but if you truly looked within you know you worry the minute you prepare to go to work; or you worry about the amount of time you overslept from lack of motivation or drug use.
The justifications or excuses you will hold onto...You might try and say you are happy doing drugs it gets you through the pain, you smoke cigarettes because you feel it relaxes you - you need to calm a busy life and reduce your stress. But at the same time you wish you could also quit. You want to quit drugs but you are stuck in the circle of friends and a place that makes it hard to consider moving away from... perhaps like me, you had this crazy romantic connection with drugs from the feelings they gave you when you experimented with them years earlier. Perhaps some of this was almost positive or at least you thought it was, so you hold onto the memory that drugs calmed you and gave you a happy time. Even if in reality they did the opposite and almost caused you death.
You may try and tell me in regard to nutrition - but you love your soda too much, you cannot give up your refined sugar and chocolate or fast food treats. The effort is too much, or that you tried in the past and failed. Or you are too heavy, it's too late. You have a medical condition that prevents you from exercise... or you are allergic to vegetables, you can only stomach french fries, and nothing else makes you feel full. Healthy people only eat rabbit food and those fit people look anorexic anyway. And gym guys & girls are all muscles and no brains - full of ego. You are too fat to walk into a gym the others would intimidate you - you would feel uncomfortable because the other members look better than you.
I am not judging, hell I have done ALL OF THE ABOVE at certain times earlier in my life, so believe me I cast no ill feeling toward whatever anyone else does.
Louise makes the point, to fully understand the reasons why others behave the way they do, we would need to walk a mile in their shoes. The world is a cauldron of interesting vibrant different combinations of unique souls. A person cannot be a blueprint of someone else. This is a theme I need to touch on, discover your uniqueness, embrace it. As soon as you find comfort in conforming; which is dictated to us by our parents and the education system from day one, we are paralysed and crippled by emotional restraint.
Like Louise says we are all born happy vibrant babies, it is the influence of others particularly during childhood that forces us into creating set patterns for our attitudes, our beliefs, our anger, our emotional responses, how we deal with relationships love and life as a whole.
I am not saying our Mothers and Fathers are particularly at fault, but some of them without even knowing it, are forcing their behaviours and lessons learned from their childhood onto their children.
This can have a great positive effect, or in stark contrast, have the potential to end a life. Or create a person so abused and crippled by negative experiences they serve no purpose to themselves, or to life.
Again, the concept of change..,the above is not a forced pyramid of power that confines us for the rest of our living days. I love a motivational video that has the quite profound statement that shocked me and might shock you as well:
Most people you know what they do? Most people go through life, quietly and safely, tip toeing their way to an early grave.
That might sound harsh and abrasive but I can tell you, when you used to do it, and then you learn to overcome it, you realise the truth in it.
I run into people in my life everyday that talk, and now I listen. I used to try and focus only on what I wanted to say. I got quite impatient at waiting for them to pause, so I could blurt my point of view or what I wanted to say. In fact I was so drawn into myself I sometimes did not even absorb what the other person said. Or just interrupted them whilst they spoke and blurted it anyway; which is the essence of rudeness and gains little respect or love. I hear them now talk about things, I pick up the general energy they feed out. I can sense the positive and the negative. Sadly in far too many people the latter is more prevalent.
I can see so many that want change, but they do not understand it's possible, or are just unwilling to even consider it at this point in their lives. Some are so negative they might just plain hate on the reasons other people have made positive changes and succeeded. They resent it and turn it against the person. Largely based on the fact they could not make the change themselves and want to try and knock the person down a peg or two.
I warn you, when you embrace change, people will love you for it, some will hate you for it. Even weight loss - you might get a friend or two that are so positive and encouraging, whilst you will get one or two that will tell you or remind you of the fact you might fail. Or you are doing it for a reason they disagree with. Please check this great link a article written by Ben Michaelis Ph.D. for the Huffington Post.
He is a clinical psychologist and author. If you want to succeed in life you need to address the "people pleasing" concept many of us are controlled by, and let it go.
I cannot understate how good it feels to not care for what anyone else thinks or says to me, particularly when it is negative. I will leave you all with one last train of thought - a train that is on the tracks of self-actualization and not headed down the NYC subway in the 1980s covered in graffiti (I say this in humour Respect to Cope 2 and all those street art legends you guys and girls started a revolution that many others love to Hate.)
You can find joy or gratitude in a compliment, but learn to Not seek it. You do not need any approval or acceptance from anyone but yourself. You do not need to constantly ask others if you are loved, or are beautiful. Or that you need to source unconditional love; that you need to earn it. Dismiss the mindset you are not worthy of love from others unless you have a career, a car or a Miranda Kerr body, or a Hugh Jackman physique. When you learn to love yourself first and foremost, this will be reflected in the people you meet and the people that are drawn into your life. Attract the right - and let go of the wrong and the feelings and mind that has controlled you to this point.
Skip to 9:12 in the YouTube video if you want a Louise Hay direct insight on this.
Shine the light, and walk around the darkness. If darkness comes in do not allow it to linger, open the curtain as soon as possible in your mind to shine the light back in. Replace the dark with light, instead of embracing the dark and allowing it to linger - choose the light instead. Overcome the barriers, and embrace challenge. Do not allow yourself to be held back ...life is in the Now - the present moment - the future can be changed, and the past cannot. Why continue to be held in the past when it is something that you can never change? Look to an idea, an ideal, a word, I like to use one in particular, Hope.
Hold onto that word, Hope.
Even if you do not embrace a single word or concept I have addressed above, if you hold onto Hope when things are beating you down - you will more than likely stand back up again. If you lose it, you may just remain on that canvas and never get back up, even after the final count. What would this life have been for?
A fight you struggled with, a match that had great potential, but in the end the person who was more capable of greatness than anyone just got knocked out. Anyone and everyone is capable - it is not an esoteric illusion that is only attainable by a select few. The fighter above does not usually get remembered. The person that might have more potential to be is the champion with their victorious fist in the air. The person who helped inspire and create a better world for others. Not for himself or herself. But for others. And a true champion has character and the essence of lesser ego.
Be humble remain true and love, and love yourself as you will learn to draw the love from others.
Let go of all that negative garbage that has piled up, clean it out and learn to only look back when required and not for the shadows but the light. The negative it serves no useful purpose. It just makes the spirit of your place (mind and body) unclean, and makes you unhealthy and unhappy.
If you read this to the very end I applaud you, my blog writing is still in the early stages. I do this not for profit motivation I just want to help inspire others. Please comment and reshare to your hearts content. I always try and respond to each and everyone that takes the time to comment. My gratitude even for sharing your thoughts, you may disagree, agree or not believe a word but I accept and gain insight from everyone. Namaste.
I must say this is a special subject dear to my heart, many of you out there suffer the awful nightmare that is mental illness, mental health or anxiety... I have been there myself in some dark places in the past. This blog is personal it does not attempt to provide a blatant prospect of curing it or for you to suddenly find yourself without the torment your mind inflicts on you, it simply offers what worked for me and how there is one word that remains critical in life - that you must always hold onto, especially through the shadows when the darkness and cold trap you - the word is simply:
Hope.
For me I discovered the true power of Nutrition and exercise, two powerful elements. I know the meds probably make you feel strongly unmotivated, as they did to me, and you have difficulty getting from bed most mornings. But the latest science is saying that Nutrition is the next big therapy because eating and fuelling your body with proper food has so much benefit.
On November 5th 1981 in the Brisbane Courier Mail Australian Newspaper it was reported that this man, Dr Abram Hoffer a psychiatrist believed the consumption of junk foods over a long period of time can cause fatigue depression and sleeplessness. He believed it had led to a Western form of malnutrition. He said: 'About 90 percent of people who go to psychiatrists have conditions due, in varying degrees, to poor or inappropriate nutrition'.
Dr Hoffer believed 'A person who is really healthy from a nutritional point of view is seldom unable to deal with psychological problems.' The junk foods he mentioned included white bread non dairy creams made of chemicals commercial French fried potatoes all foods that had sugar added like peas pastries cakes and canned foods like soups.
As you might imagine he was laughed off the face of the planet for even suggesting this "crazy nonsense" at that point in history.
I had to edit the video and change it to a short version the old one failed to play audio on some mobile or cell devices, so enjoy this tribute or reference to Abram Hoffer and his specific reasoning on how the system gives a person little hope and that all schizophrenics and people with mental illness are most often led to believe recovery or living a normal productive life will never be possible.
Note the part in the video where he discusses some key elements that are sadly neglected by the mental health system - getting a person under a stable roof and comfort, then giving them the full support needed and also giving them the chance to eat all the nutritious food. This is something most people with mental illness are incapable of enjoying, due to many different factors.
I might add a positive story because I feel I need to offer a light:
Speaking of my experience - my second episode in my teens was a drug induced Psychosis, and I was discussing a story with someone who touched my heart more than the drugs or therapy ever did yesterday. Many of you would know the UK band The Stereo MCs?
It was 1993 I was in Psych, and in a hell of a place mentally, the darkest hell hole of shit stinking motivation sucking health damaging, soul destroying - a landscape littered with carcasses of people that some are no longer with us, many of them are dead from suicide or drug abuse or the illness just crippled them, broke them in half and eventually won.
Important note: I give FULL CREDIT to the wonderful nurses and doctors, most of them are so highly dedicated to the cause of helping us they sacrifice everything in their lives to pursue the gift of healing and trying to allow anyone to get better. They put their hearts into the patients they treat and take the pain back home with them to their families and loved ones some nights and days - bless you all!
There was this one nurse, a male nurse. He was super cool, like a strong good looking man that all the females admired (yay!) and he was into gym or athletic based sports stuff too I think from memory.
He sat down with me many times and in the midst of the haze tried to give some advice to me.
He suggested the drugs I had done like Lsd and mushrooms and marijuana were capable of destroying me, in fact he even said some people have never recovered fully from acid and it drove them to death, because when your brain is wired like mine, the drugs just do not suit it, they do not suit the best of minds at the best of times, but when you have certain tendency towards factors this is even worse.
But one-day early into the admission he did something most profound, he came up to me, he knew and understood we both shared a passion for music, he handed me a cassette tape and simply said You need to listen to this album.
It was a band I have never heard of and I loved hip hop as well as all kinds of music, I was a budding Graffiti artist and anyway I was drawn to it.
The Stereo MC's - Connected.
This album turned out to be therapy, the lead singer Rob commented yesterday on Twitter perhaps #alternative medicine in a light hearted manner to me which made me smile.
It kept me going through some dark times with the uplifting positive lyrics and message.
You listen to the album you can tell the lyrics are written by someone enlightened and a powerful mind - I have not heard anything quite like it ever since.
The nurse allowed me to duplicate a copy (Sorry Rob but this piracy was beneficial and I did end up buying multiple copies of your cd later lol)
I played that album quite a lot to death in fact and my dear Mother loved it more than me LOL, she actually told me and encouraged me to play it more !!!
So what I am saying is that certain things in life can give you a glimmer of light and hope.
I got off drugs and never took them again.
Never relapsed again. I am 38 years old now.
I battled some serious anxiety issues but with Nutrition and exercise/healthy lifestyle I have not endured an episode of that since the end of winter 2013.
I got back in touch recently with the professor of adolescent psychiatry who treated me in 1991 Prof Dr. Robert Kosky, a highly respected expert in Australian circles, he retired a month or two ago.
My story sent him into this a most happy man, he told me some things that stood out:
Colin, I believe firmly that if you stick to your strength training fitness nutrition and healthy lifestyle, you will never have another issue for as long as you live.
Also he added it may surprise me he leaned away from harsh meds in his later years and toward more natural holistic treatments, I only add this because one of the meds he prescribed me back in 1991 was subsequently banned worldwide, after it was eventually discovered it was causing instant death in some schizophrenic patients.
If you are on medication you ALWAYS NEED TO CONSULT your doctor and never consider ANY CHANGES WITHOUT speaking to them, this includes EXERCISE.
I got an ECG done a full health check up on my heart ... never throw yourself into fitness without getting the all clear and consulting the right people who know.
Anyway this is all I needed and wanted to say enjoy the video interview and I will add a Stereo MC's video also just for great memories and to Rob Birch - Respect! - I will add when I looked you up and discovered you are a fellow gym rat and healthy lifestyle/exercise advocate and lover - and not into the concept of abusing illegal drugs - it just made me contact you! Thanks for replying it made my day - as promised here is the blog I wrote that I told you I might consider sharing. Enjoy. and You may Retweet if you desire but a fave would be enough! Edit I will add another video another great motivational Matuesz M from YouTube I think the concepts in this one apply to this blog
